Almost everyone prays regardless of which religion they follow. The instructions of our faith, our experiences, and our needs shape our prayers. While I’ve always believed in God, but turned away from Him for a year or two, I became a devout Christian last year. What I mean by devout is that I truly believe, strengthened, and deepened my love for God and welcomed Him into my heart completely. My understanding of God his increased, and I feel that I really know what His will  and message is. I go to church every Sunday, not out of necessity, but because I want to, and I’m in the process of becoming active in a church ministry and a Bible Study group. I read a part of the Bible everyday, I keep God as #1 in my heart, and I’m letting Him guide me to the Christian I’m supposed to be, which is still always a work in progress since no one is perfect! I’m understanding God’s love, His forgiveness, his inclusion of everyone as described throughout the Bible in the Two Greatest Commandments in Matthew 22:34-40 , and in 1 Corinthians 12:12-31 , among others.

          Before taking God much more seriously and understanding Him, I knew of one way to pray. I prayed for things that I wanted, begged and pleaded with God for those things, and I sometimes got angry with God if I didn’t have my prayers answered. I prayed for important things, such as to have a baby and for my grandparents to live, but the first wasn’t answered when I wanted it to be, and the prayers for my grandparents, I guess God felt their work was done here and was ready for them to come home. I prayed for others, sure, but not as much as I prayed for myself or for those that meant the most to me, and I certainly never prayed for everything to turn out according to God’s will, but instead, for my own. I think many people have been guilty of this, and still are. 

          All prayers are relevant, but sometimes we get off track and pray too much for ourselves rather than for others (and others who aren’t close to us), and God’s intention isn’t for us to focus mostly on ourselves, but instead, getting along with others, helping others, caring about and loving others, empathy, unity, community, and for people to be more collective rather than individualistic. Also, we were given instructions on how to pray. For example, we’re supposed to pray privately in our rooms rather than to pray loudly in public so that others can see us (be humble), and we aren’t supposed to make our prayers overly-wordy (don’t ramble) because God already knows what is in our heart before we even say it. This is where faith comes in, we need to believe that God truly knows us and what we want and need in our heart, our prayers, and so there’s no need for us to have to say the very long, drawn out prayers loudly for others and ourselves to hear. The Bible mentions that we shouldn’t have to see God in order to believe in Him, but that faith is believing in God though we can’t see Him. Praying can be viewed similarly, where faith in God is also believing that He knows our prayer and that he knows us without us feeling he must hear us.

          The way we’re supposed to pray, it’s all already included in the Lord’s Prayer, which I’ll go through line-by-line in a future post as the prayer is very worthy of a post of its own. When we pray, we should also pray to God in gratitude for what He has given us, our answered prayers, and any positive things that have happened to us, not just about what we want from Him. The way we’re supposed to pray, instructed by Jesus, the Lord’s Prayer, I’ve included below from the Bible, Matthew 6:5-15 NRSV:

“And whenever you pray, do not be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and at the street corners, so that they may be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward. But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you. “When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him.

“Pray then in this way:

Our Father in heaven,
    hallowed be your name.
    Your kingdom come.
    Your will be done,
        on earth as it is in heaven.
    Give us this day our daily bread.
   And forgive us our debts,
        as we also have forgiven our debtors.
   And do not bring us to the time of trial,
       but rescue us from the evil one.

For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

          Since I’ve become an active Christian and follow God much better, becoming more devout and learning more about God daily, This is how I now pray. I say the Lord’s Prayer when I wake up each morning and before I go to sleep each night, and then I have a moment of silence after I complete it as a way to show God that I trust (I trust Him) that He already knows my personal prayers without my having to say them. 

          The only other prayers that I say to God are those of thanksgiving rather than asking for something from Him, and for everything to go according to His will rather than my own. The prayers in my heart now aren’t asking things for myself, but instead, they’re for what is asked of me to pray for in the Bible and the Book of Common Prayer. I pray for thanksgiving, for others, for my country, for my town, for my church and the congregants, for peace and unity not just for my country, but for the world. I pray for the two people that are no longer in my life for reasons I won’t write out of respect — God told use to pray for our enemies, and that is what I do. I pray for their hearts to be softened and for them to see clearly, for them both to heal, and for nothing bad to happen to them, and I pray for God to drawn them near to Him. 

          These are only examples of what is included in my silent prayers, and these are the types of things that everyone is supposed to pray for (peace, unity, love, pray for enemies, hearts to be softened and God welcomed, gratitude, and prayers for others, etc.). To me, the important thing is to trust in God that He already knows your prayers because He knows your heart. You know how parents seem to know their children better than they know themselves? It’s very much like that, only deeper and better. 

          To me, becoming a more devout Christian isn’t about becoming angry and obsessive, as many can be. It’s about learning to truly let go and trust (faith) in God, understanding the overall message and will of God (not cherry-picking the Bible to look for reasons to hate people, or judge whether each person is going to heaven or hell), learning how to pray correctly, follow the instructions of God, going to church each week and becoming active in it, improving yourselves, helping and loving others (deeds/works), becoming less materialistic and vain and becoming more humble and empathetic. It doesn’t end here for me, but my definition of this could go on and on, but it comes down to love, kindness, compassion, forgiveness (another post of its own in the future–it’s a complex topic), trust, and faith.  

Peony Evans

          I’ve been writing in a devotional journal, Hello God. . .It’s Me (by Ellie Claire publishers). In it, I can write whatever I want each day. I can write prayers, reflections, opinions, thoughts about the Bible verse for the day, or even write about the explanation. . .anything! I’ve been writing in it, but I’d like to begin sharing those journal entries in my blog, so, here goes! I’m not posting them in any specific order.

January 1, 2019

Bible verse: 

                          Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits–who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. 

                                                                                                                  Psalm 103:1-5 NIV

My reflection:

          I agree that God can heal all diseases if it is His will, however, if He chooses not to heal a disease, I don’t feel it’s because we’ve sinned so badly that we’re unworthy of His healing and forgiveness. Instead, I feel that the disease has a good purpose (turning negative into a positive) if we choose to recognize it, reflect, pray, find and follow the answer when it comes or as events unfold.

          I think there’s a positive lesson in everything if we’re open to looking for the good in our suffering. Everything I’ve suffered has deepened my faith and made me more grateful for what I have, and I feel it has increased my love and empathy. Sometimes a disease may not be healed from our body, but instead, the disease may heal our heart. That’s what PCOS and Meniere’s Disease is doing for me. However, I’m not perfect and it will be a process for what is in my mind, soul, and heart to be fully reflected in my behavior.

          I don’t mean to sound dismissive, invaliding, or to minimize anyone who has a chronic health issue; that isn’t my intention. I don’t agree with the idea that illness is necessarily caused because of sin. We have many health issues that may be healed as well as the common cold, the flu, strep throat, etc., however, there are many chronic illnesses that cannot be healed. What about Parkinson’s Disease, Meniere’s Disease, Autism, Alzheimer’s, Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder, and many others? I’m not trying to say that illness is a blessing in disguise, at least not 100% of the time. Some illnesses are so severe and the person suffers tremendously. Yet, I feel that a negative can be turned into a positive, even if it’s only attitude. Just as Viktor Frankl believed that we may not always be able to control or change our circumstances, we can at least control our reaction to them.

          Have you ever read a story, watched a video or documentary, or met someone who has a chronic illness that has such a positive attitude that they’re an inspiration to those around them? Have you noticed that though they suffer from illness, that person seems to be happy and mentally strong compared to someone else with the same condition who instead of accepting it and finding ways to be positive, the illness consumes them and they have a negative attitude about it? Illness affects everyone differently, so no one is less valid, and no one should be blamed for their illness, but it just seems that people who take a positive approach to illness seem to fair better at least mentally.

          Many diseases can’t be cured, and considering a lack of knowledge of many illnesses and that not so much was known about medicine and the human body back in Biblical times, I can understand why there has been the notion that illness is caused by sin. There are those who seem to spontaneously heal, a miracle, but I don’t think that says much about those who remain sick. God is love and He forgives, so what about the people who love and devote their lives to following God, but aren’t healed? I think it’s because these diseases just can’t be healed (yet) for whatever reason, but not used as a punishment from God. However, it’s important to look for a way to turn a negative into a positive in almost every situation. Sometimes people with chronic illness inspire others, and in the process they may even heal themselves emotionally and their heart.

          For example, I have PCOS, which can cause infertility in women as well as other masculinizing symptoms. I tried to get pregnant for about eight years and had five miscarriages along the way, each of them crushing me. I went through a really deep depression, I hated myself, I had a lot of anxiety, stress, etc. Some of this was also related to going through years of abuse while growing up. I eventually had a son in 2017, but I developed Meniere’s Disease in the eighth month of my pregnancy. At first I was angry and scared about the Meniere’s Disease (especially before I knew what it was), yet, when my son was born, while Meniere’s still affected me a lot (and most likely will for life), I feel that the birth of my son changed me and taught me so much. I feel the birth of my son healed me in many ways and changed how I look at things overall.

          I prayed for God to heal my Meniere’s Disease, I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life, you name it, but I wasn’t “healed.” There is no cure for Meniere’s Disease, just like there isn’t a cure for many other illnesses. My symptoms can only be treated, to varying degrees of success from individual to individual. I don’t feel that I haven’t been healed due to the severity of any sin. It’s just a type of illness that can’t be healed, but yet I feel I have been healed. I feel that I’ve been healed from anger, resentment, turning away from God for a year or two, my doubt and distrust in God, etc. The “disease” that I feel was healed, was my lack of faith in God, and my lack of trust in Him. I feel most of my anxiety and depression has been healed as well. I’d like to mention that there are many types of depression, so it would be wrong to think that everyone can be healed of depression simply from having a child, going to church, and praying. There is often a legitimate physical cause behind it pertaining to neurotransmitter levels.

          The most important disease I’ve been “healed” of, though, is my lack of faith, and not understanding God, Christianity, and how to be a Christian. My spirit was healed, which is far more important than my physical health. Meniere’s Disease won’t kill me, so I’m lucky, but it does interfere with my life a lot, it can be unpredictable, and it’s progressive. There is treatment, and I feel I could have had it worse. I have a son, who makes me happy and gives me so much strength each day that  I love taking care of, and I have God. I can’t actually say I’m 100% healed because I’m not perfect, no one is. I still have flaws that I’m aware of and working on. When the spirit of a person is healed, they’re more open to giving and receiving love, which is really what God is all about. Having the ability to love and feel empathy, compassion, etc., am I really sick? Is anyone actually “diseased” who have that ability? I don’t think so (at least not the type of “disease” I feel God may refer to healing), though He can heal many physical illnesses if it is His will, but I’m trying to reflect on why certain types of chronic illnesses (such as Parkinson’s Disease, etc.) aren’t cured.

Lastly, sometimes illness forces us to look inward and do a lot of reflection, change, and develop not only the ones afflicted with the illnesses, but also those around them.

*I understand that some people may have or know someone who has a very serious and/or terminal illness. This post is in no way meant to minimize, invalidate, dehumanize, or to be dismissive of the struggle as well as the physical and emotional pain associated with the illness. This blog is a reflection of how I’ve come to cope with my own illness.

Many Blessings!

Peony Evans

Theme: hope, God’s timing, surrender, faith.

Summary of the Sermon:

          Today, Chaplain S. gave the sermon, and the most powerful line of his message that stuck in my mind was “When the the wine runs out is where the miracle begins.” I can’t say the quote is exactly verbatim, but it’s really close. No, it doesn’t mean that all of the fun starts once you’re drunk enough, hahaha! Chaplain S. related his statement to when we’re at the end of our rope and run out of hope in our most trying times, that when we feel we’re defeated and can go no further, or that things won’t get better, all of that is a part of your story and purpose, and it’s at those times when the miracle starts for you. Chaplain S. used these examples to elucidate the story from the Bible of Jesus’s miracle of providing wine at the wedding in Cana. He said that back then it was considered rude to run out of wine and discussed the story, but then Chaplain S. pointed out how it could be a metaphor for our lives, the wine representing hope. It’s common for people to run out of hope when we are faced with very challenging times and events, and sometimes it seems like it’s too much and we wonder why it’s happening to us.

          Chaplain S. also meant by the miracle starting when the wine runs out, is that when we surrender to God and let go, this is when God is able to come into our lives (we let Him) to help us, guide us, and work His will. The Chaplain then gave a brave example using events from his own life to elucidate this point. He described how he had turned away from God and had become materialistic and rich, only to eventually lose everything. He then described how he had surrendered and turned to God when he was at his worst, and that was the start of the process of when things started, and continued, to get better for him. Chaplain S. may not have as much as he did before, but he has his family, his needs met, and most of all he has God. I won’t write the details because while he was comfortable enough to share details of his story at church, I’m not sure if he’d be comfortable with another person writing about it in a blog online, so I’d like to respect his privacy.

Personal Reflections and Applications to My Life:

          Today, I was shocked when Father T didn’t do the sermon and instead Chaplain S did it. Father T was present and looked healthy, so I was confused to see another person stepping up to the podium. At first, I didn’t feel the Chaplain connected as well as Father T did with the congregation, and I felt the tone was going to be without the playful humor Father T uses, and I also felt that the sermon was going to be a little stale and stick only to scripture. Wow, was I wrong! By the end of the sermon, I really understood why Father T let Chaplain S do the sermon.

          While the sermon didn’t have Father T’s humor, it turned out to have a very powerful message, and Chaplain S. was brave enough to open up and share experiences in his life of when he fell away from God and the hardships he went through. I love stories of overcoming the odds, or even when someone loses everything due to their pride and greed, but then those very things turn into the most powerful lessons to them that bring them closer to God than they may have ever been. It’s also as though the extreme hardships were absolutely necessary in order for the person to fulfill their purpose and be put on the correct path in order to do so, and for God to work with and through them.

          It’s incredible how one person’s story can be so inspiring, powerful, and can evoke universality among so many others. Chaplain S’ sermon was powerful and inspiring enough that I’ll like to write my own post about my faith, how I turned away from God for a couple of years, and how I found my way back to God with a belief, love, and understanding of Him that I feel I never would have reached had I not had those hardships. I’ll include my experiences and challenges when appropriate in each of my posts, but at the same time I’d like to avoid my blog becoming redundant and writing about the same experiences over and over again.

          Being closer to God isn’t about being perfect, having the perfect life, making no mistakes, and pointing the finger at others and their sins and believing you’re sinless. It isn’t about avoiding difficulty or people in need, or those who haven’t experienced love and therefore may not necessarily fall in line with what God wants for them as a result (another topic I’d like to cover separately). Sometimes it’s those very difficulties that not only bring you closer to God and strengthen your faith and understanding to a level you otherwise wouldn’t have had, but it also deepens your empathy toward others, it makes you want to help others going through hard times, it increases your compassion, but it also makes you less judgmental and more accepting of others (not of the wrong that they do, but the reasons behind them and wanting to help those people out of those ways). Without experiencing your own hardships and pain, it’s much more difficult to be able to connect and to understand those of others and much easier to judge them instead.

          The trying times have a greater purpose that most of us won’t recognize or understand until our lives significantly improve and we see only in hindsight how those difficult times were actually the cornerstone for our change for the better. That’s exactly how it worked out for me as well. Often, we’re the ones that get in our own way of God working in our daily lives. It may or may not be intentional, and the worse things may get for us, the more we try to take control over things and the outcome. Just as often, as in my case, it isn’t until we let go and surrender to let God into our lives to help us, that things finally start to look up, improve, and resolve. It may not always be to our liking, and we may not understand why things are happening to us, but we need to trust that God is with us and helping us to get where we belong; He won’t abandon us, and He’ll always be there to help us if we let Him.

          As for me, I’ve survived sexual abuse more than once, many years of emotional abuse, psychological abuse, and sometimes physical abuse. I’ve also struggled with self-hatred, feeling worthless, low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, fearfulness, anger, self-blame, not wanting to live at times, etc., and PTSD as a result. I’ve also struggled with health issues, such as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) that caused infertility, and now Meniere’s Disease. It took me eight years and five miscarriages to have my son, and going through the deepest depression I ever had. My paternal grandparents passed away during my trying times, and they were the most important people in my life. . .I wouldn’t be here without them, and I certainly wouldn’t have kept my ability (and deepened it) to feel so much empathy, compassion, love, try to do what’s right, know what normal is, etc. if it hadn’t been for them. To me, they weren’t only grandparents, but also parents and best friends that I’ll always carry in my heart and teach my son about.

          I’ve healed from these things, or at least most of them. The hardest to overcome is emotional abuse, however, I’ve even made a lot of headway and continue to heal from it. I always believed in God, but nowhere near the level as I do today. Before, while I believed in God, I feel that now I can say that I know God and feel His love in my life, and I understand the reasons for my hardships. I can also say that like Chaplain S., that though my story is different from his, I experienced that same in that my life didn’t begin to improve until I let go and surrendered to God. I can’t say that I ever stopped believing in God, I just feel I didn’t have as good of an understanding of Him. I think it was all supposed to be a part of my spiritual journey, though, because without those experiences I would have never gotten to where I’m at now with unshakable faith. I’m not perfect, and my life isn’t perfect just because I found God; being a Christian doesn’t mean a person is perfect, but my life is far more bearable with God, and I feel my healing is faster. No longer do I mourn that my mother isn’t the mother she should have been, and I’m not angry at her anymore for the emotional abuse. I let go, and I forgive her. I don’t feel a loss anymore because I have God, and I realize that He has been there through it all helping to ensure I made it through, even during the times I felt He was nowhere near.

          I can honestly say that today I have no question about God and that my faith is unshakable. For about one or two years before my son was born, I had turned away from God because I felt my hardships were more than I could bear, and I felt God had perhaps forgotten me or abandoned me, and I couldn’t understand why. Was I that bad of a person? Even though I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t into crime, I wasn’t boy-crazy or into promiscuous sex or anything like that, and I didn’t hurt people. In fact, I really loved people, wanted to help others, and I had a good heart (empathy, compassion, etc.). I couldn’t figure out why God wouldn’t love me, but I later figured out that I was only projecting my feelings toward myself onto God. I didn’t love myself, and considering the types of abuse I’ve been through that I mentioned above and some of the ways it affected me, no wonder I also felt unworthy of God’s love as well. I never felt I was good enough and felt there was something wrong with me, which is common in survivors of emotional abuse, especially when the abuse was still occurring.

          I mistook my own self-hatred, low self-esteem, and feelings of worthlessness as God’s abandonment of me, when in fact, God never abandoned me. He was right there all along. I have always been good enough for God, He has always loved me, never abused me, and He has always been there to carry me through and not only nudge me toward healing, but to be the answer to it. God is that unconditional love I have been seeking that I can never lose as long as I love and follow Him. When I finally surrendered and let go, God took over for me. Even when my hope ran out for a period of time years ago, God was still there, even if only a small feeling that I couldn’t let go of, that little tugging feeling in me was God letting me know He didn’t abandon me.

          The idea and feeling that my life started to improve when I finally let go and surrendered, even if it was out of sheer exhaustion and recognizing my trying to force things to go the way I wanted them to was only making things worse, isn’t a new one that I realized from the sermon on Sunday. The sermon was just as potent, though, because I really saw myself in the words and concepts that Chaplain S. spoke. When I surrendered and let go, that’s when God took over and became stronger and louder in my life. With God, I know that I can bear anything now, to trust His timing, and that I’m not alone. . .and I know that I am unconditionally loved, and I am enough. With God, my hope has been restored and refilled.

Peony Evans

This is my reflection from the sermon in mass last Sunday, the themes being about trusting God, faith, fulfilling God’s purpose, following, knowing, and strengthening my relationship with God.

Summary of the Sermon:

         In Father T’s sermon today, he made a powerful point with a humorous story of the three wise kings as they set out on their journey to find the Messiah that had been born. He mentioned in the story that that they had been asked questions such as, “Where are you going?,” How long will you stay?,” etc. They answered each question with, “I don’t know,” to which the response was, “Well, you aren’t very wise then, are you?”

         Father T then likened the story to faith and following God. We may not know where God is leading us, how long it’ll take, or many of the other details, but He knows where He is leading us, and He has a purpose for everyone. It’s up to me to let my faith in God lead me, and place my trust in God so that He can work with me and through me so that I not only deepen my faith and strengthen my relationship with Him (grow closer to Him, know Him better, etc.), but also so that He can help me to fulfill my purpose.

Personal reflections and applications to my life:

          All too often, people have detailed maps of their lives planned out–what age we finish school, the major we study in college that we’ll work in for the rest of our lives, what age we should marry by, when we should have children, how many children, etc. Saying “I don’t know,” in a lot of these areas  seems to be unacceptable in society. If our detailed plans doing go 100% according to plan, we get depressed, we get distressed, we experience anxiety, or sometimes it makes us feel less worthy compared to someone who had it all figured out and is quite successful (the younger they get it all done, the better). This way of life doesn’t only guide us away from ourselves, but also our purpose and God. It should be okay to say, “I don’t know,” and allow God to guide us to our purpose, as long as we try to keep moving in some direction. Not everyone’s purpose is to be a billionaire CEO or a lawyer, and that’s okay, too! A person who becomes a teacher or a garbage man, etc. isn’t any less worthy, no less human, not necessarily less intelligent or less successful than a CEO.

          I tried mapping my life out down to the age I would have everything done, and even the house I wanted, including how many rooms and how it would be decorated. I wanted my first child by the time I was 26 years old because that’s the ideal age that was in all of the articles. I wanted my PhD by the time I was 30 to 32-years-old. Guess what? Mapping my life out didn’t work. Thankfully I wasn’t (and I’m still not) materialistic so that not having that big house didn’t bother me; I actually rather a small home now (I’ve really changed!). While I finished my bachelor’s degree on time, my master’s took forever because the recession hit. In that time period my husband and I moved, and I enrolled in a master’s program where we moved to, only to have to move again before I finished–no more than 6 to 9 graduate credits transfer. There wasn’t a university with my major, or really even a university within an hour’s radius where we lived. I tried applying to one that was far, but I was willing to make the commute. . .unfortunately they weren’t accredited in my major so I didn’t go. I then enrolled in a program in the community college, which meant starting all over earning toward an associate’s degree. It felt demeaning, frustrating, and I felt like a loser. I had so many plans! At the same time, none of the majors (except for one semester) I was studying in after I got my bachelor’s degree, weren’t the same major as I completed in undergrad school.

          After studying another major at the community college for a couple of semesters, my husband found a better job back down in the area near the university where I earned my bachelor’s degree. By this time, I really knew what I was meant to do and wanted to get a master’s in the same major, psychology. I felt like I lived and breathed psychology! I enrolled in the master’s program at the same university and was finally able to earn a master’s degree, but it was very stressful. At the same time, my husband and I were trying to have a baby for years and I had infertility. I saw many doctors with no success. I got pregnant five times, but I had a miscarriage each time. By this time, I wanted more than anything to become a mother and my entire life was consumed and focused on how to get pregnant and have a baby, and finish school. I got so depressed, full of stress and anxiety that it destroyed me. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to live, but what was left of my faith in God is what kept me alive (I’ve always believed in God strongly, and I’ve always been very spiritual, but there was a year or two where I sunk into such a deep depression that I even turned away from God…another thing I’d like to write about in a separate post). I hated myself, I felt worthless, I felt unlovable, I felt ugly and unfeminine. I was so miserable and depressed, and so open about it, that I have no idea how I even have any friends left today, and I have no idea how my marriage survived it, but I’m thankful for every one of those angels God put in my life.

         It took years before I finally accepted my infertility and recovered mentally and emotionally from the infertility (I’ll write about how bad that depression got in future posts when applicable), and I was just living my life to be as healthy as I could be. This meant continuing with the diet I was on originally with the intention to get pregnant, but now I was doing it just for health, and I added one more thing to it, eliminating dairy. The next thing I knew, my body regulated and I was feeling the happiest and healthiest I had ever been. My husband even commented on it being the happiest he had ever seen me, and by that point we had been together for 16 or 17 years. When I saw just how quickly and how drastically my body was regulating, I joked that I may get pregnant. Guess what? I got pregnant! It was also the last three semesters of my master’s program and I had to complete a three-semester practicum, and I was already in the first semester of it.

         When I saw my doctor, I learned that my due date was going to compete with my graduation date, and this stressed me out all through my pregnancy. I was someone who still loved plans (my plans) at this point. Many other stressful events also occurred that year, one of them including having to evacuate for Hurricane Irma in my third trimester of pregnancy and not knowing what I was going to come back to, if my university would still be standing, or if my practicum site would still be standing. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to finish school. Everything was fine, but then in my eighth month of pregnancy I developed Meniere’s Disease as well as a goiter (enlarged thyroid). I still forced myself to go to my practicum site and kept making myself put in more hours than I had to, and then I still drove 1 1/2 to 2 hours per week, one way, to class at my university.

         After going to the ER for a severe vertigo episode that left me unable to walk during it, and vomiting, etc., and then passing out a week or two later, I finally had to stop working and going to school. I had no choice. I felt defeated and scared, uncertain whether I’d graduate or not. I finished my practicum hours exactly, not even half-an-hour over the time, but it was only the middle of the semester and I couldn’t attend the rest of my classes. I wrote to my teacher and adviser and explained the problem, the teacher being one that I had previously done research with and traveled to present it. That’s what saved me. I feel that God somehow placed that teacher in my life at the right time, the last teacher in the last course I needed to complete my degree. He emailed me back and told me not to worry, that because he knew my quality of work from the past (research, previous classes, etc.), he was passing me and instructed me to just relax, get well, and worry about my baby.

         Why did I tell this long story? How is it relevant to the topic of the sermon? Because rather than to place my faith in and trust God, I was more focused on my own plans and timing instead of His. I needed concrete answers and nothing up in the air. I couldn’t handle any “I don’t know,” and I put myself through so much more stress, depression, and anxiety than I ever needed. Had I just trusted God from the beginning, I never would have sunk into such a deep depression for years, nor hated myself, or any of what I had described. My problem was I couldn’t trust God, His timing, and not having the answers to everything. I had to know who, what, where, when, why, and how. I even hated myself for taking so long to finish my master’s degree when there were so many other people five years or more younger than me who already completed the degree, or were about to. Once I had my son and realized how much of a miracle he was (and still is), and that he couldn’t have come from anywhere except given to me by God, I started reflecting on the past.

          What I realized was had I had a child any sooner than when I did, even if my son was born just two weeks earlier (my practicum hours wouldn’t have been finished), I wouldn’t have finished school. I didn’t know that then, but after I had my son and realized how much work he was and not wanting to leave him with anyone, I realized there was no way I would have been able to do another semester that included a class at my university as well as working at my practicum site for another semester. I’m sure I would have been just as happy if I didn’t finish my master’s, though, because my son was (and still is) my biggest and most important dream, and he would have been totally worth it! However, God somehow made it possible for me to finish my master’s degree. He placed that teacher in my life at the right time, He helped me push through working at my practicum site until my health wouldn’t allow me to any longer, and he helped me finish my required hours. Even better, a little more than two weeks later, my son was born and he was very healthy and very strong! My biggest and most important dream had come true.

                 After looking back, I realized that my problem was that I was trying to force everything in my time and had to have all of the answers, and I didn’t trust God with His timing. Had I just trusted and had faith in God (not just believe in God, but to really put my faith and trust in Him), I would have still had everything that I wanted anyway. The only difference is that if I listened to God from the beginning, I would have avoided the depression, the self-hatred, and that whole dark time. I realize that God was always going to let me become a mother, but the timing of how everything happened, at least to me, made it seem like there was a reason behind me not having a baby until the last semester of my master’s program (and even cutting it too close for comfort). I feel it’s because while one of my purposes is to be a mother, my other purpose is to be a therapist and help heal people. Being that my experience has also brought me so much closer to God, given me a MUCH better understanding of Him and what it means to be a Christian, as well as learning to have faith and put my trust in God and His timing (and in general with all things), I feel the negativity from the past has been lifted from me. I’m able to deal with the everyday stresses much better.

          At the same time, I’ve felt drawn to God much stronger to the point where I finally made a decision to join a church and consistently attend and participate, and I realized that I want to become a Christian therapist/counselor. That’s when I realized what my purpose has been all along (as well as to be a mother). I’ve always loved God (with the exception of one or two years), but it was an immature belief. Now, I feel that my belief, faith, and understanding is mature since coming back to Christianity, and it’s far more strong than before, and I’m committed to it. But I realized that I felt drawn to and could combine the two things that I really loved (besides my husband and my son) and become a Christian therapist. I’ve learned that I don’t need to have all of the answers and a detailed plan for everything, I just need my faith and trust in God. That doesn’t mean to sit back and do nothing and wait for God to do everything, that isn’t how it works. It simply means to work with God rather than against him, and be tuned into knowing when I’m being guided to where I belong.

          This is my experience, and I’m sure many others have had their own personal journeys and obstacles they’ve had to face with their faith. Every difficulty we encounter has a purpose, not to destroy you, but to build you. It’s just up to you to figure out how it builds you! It’s up to you to learn how to discern when you’re being guided and when you’re relying too much on yourself and forcing your way at your timing. You may or may not get to the same place if you rely on yourself and force your timing, but at least in my experience, had I trusted and put my faith in God from the beginning, the ride would have been much smoother and happier. Be okay with saying, “I don’t know” and letting God guide you. Keep moving, but be flexible enough to let God guide you.

Peony Evans